Choose Your Pain Wisely

“What is the noble truth of suffering. Birth is suffering, aging is suffering and sorrow and lamentation, pain, grief, and despair are suffering.” – The Buddha

I love Bridgerton, the Netflix, romantic drama set in Regency England. The gowns. The balls. The scandals. It is a guilty pleasure I know I share with many of you. (Yes, that’s a far cry from quote above, but I will connect the dots, I promise.) Anyway, back to Bridgerton. I am currently in the middle of Season Two and the big wedding has had its unexpected twist. I won’t say more, I don’t want to spoil anything. But I do want to discuss a moment in episode three “A Bee in Your Bonnet.”  The eldest Bridgerton son, Anthony, has decided that after many years of licentiousness, he must marry and is discussing a particular maiden with his mother Violet.

There are eight Bridgerton children and Violet was pregnant with her youngest daughter when her beloved husband Edmund died. He died horrifically right in front of Anthony, then a teenager, from an allergic reaction to a bee sting. The event deeply scarred the young man, who had to grow up overnight. He had to immediately take on the responsibilities of a giant estate and watch how grief almost killed his mother.

Seeing that he swore off love and now tells his mother he only wants an amiable, appropriate wife. He neither wishes to suffer the anguish of losing someone he loves nor cause such pain with his own death. He refuses to listen to Violet’s urging that love should be the centerpiece of any marriage. He simply walks away from her.

And I so wanted Violet to stop him. I wanted her to sit him down and tell him the truth. I imagined her saying:

“Anthony, all lives have pain. Lots of pain. And discomfort. And anger. And fear. That is inevitable. Most of it is out of our hands, but sometimes, you can choose the kind of pain you want to experience. Which life would you be content with? The pain of losing the person you love to death? Or the pain of going through an entire life with no love at all? Both of those are a monstrous amount of pain, but those are the options. So, choose your pain wisely.”

That might have gotten through to him. He might have picked love. Certainly, it would have made for a much less interesting Season Two. Drama makes stories better. Drama makes real life worse.

And in the middle of it all the messiness of “real” life are our thoughts on happiness, joy, pain, and contentment and what we choose to pursue. At one time or another, we are all Anthony thinking about making the safer, “happier” choice. What I’m about to say is my own personal take on this topic. There is a myriad of opinions on such huge subjects as these.

The way I look at it everyone is searching for happiness. Anthony believed that having an appropriate partner who would fulfill the role of wife and mother dutifully, but would ignite no passion in him, would make him happy. He might have been correct. But happiness, in my opinion, is not the best goal to aim for.

There’s a lot of talk about happiness out there right now. The twenty-first century has seen the explosive growth of positive psychology, which studies human thought, feeling and behavior with a focus on our strengths, and how to build a good life. It spotlights resiliency and learned optimism. It is where I found the importance of daily gratitude and how to view roadblocks as challenges rather than failures. There are tons of books and podcasts on the subject.

And this is truly wonderful. We should all look for ways to build positive emotions and happiness habits.

But there is also toxic positivity. Toxic positivity is a dysfunctional desire to see everything in a positive light, to always look on the bright side, to see “negative” emotions such as sadness as a personal failure. Feeling all the feelings is healthy. Happiness is a normal reaction to getting a raise; sadness to your best friend moving far away. And we shouldn’t ever feel ashamed for appropriate anger and grief – even if others are advising us to move on. We should move on when we are ready, and if we can’t, we should seek out a mental health professional.

So, I have been wary in the past few years of enthusiastically seeking happiness at breakneck speed. Joy and contentment feel far more reasonable to me than happiness. They do not require the absence of pain, but rather rely on internal qualities and values.

My daughter Emma tells me that sunflowers always bring her joy.

Writer and scholar Brene Brown agrees. She has spent the past twenty years researching and writing about human emotions. I often refer to her latest book Atlas of the Heart when I want to understand what a particular emotion is in its essence. According to her, happiness does not equal joy, nor does it equal contentment. Happiness is a positive emotion that is more externally driven and circumstantial.

Joy, per Brene Brown, is “sudden,” and “high-intensity.” It is when we feel connected. “Joy expands our thinking and attention…” She notes that Oxford researcher and moral philosopher Matthew Kuan Johnson imparts that in joy, “we don’t lose ourselves, we become more truly ourselves.” I have felt joy watching my children embrace each other at my father’s wake. I felt grief-stricken too, but also definately connected, my heart expansive.

According to Brown, contentment, which correlate to a sense of satisfaction and even to a biologically healthier life, is “the feeling of completeness, appreciation and ‘enoughness’ that we experience when our needs are satisfied.” And as someone who was raised to have their ethics and morals drive their behaviors, I would add this. I am content when most of the time I am living my values. It’s the familiar comfort as I finish reading a great book or put all my groceries away.

So even amidst the most annoying circumstances I can find things that bring me joy. The traffic can be a crawl and I am already late, but I can listen to my favorite music on my car stereo or find a particularly beautiful cloud. Even in tragedy I can be content. I can watch the nightmare that is the nightly news and feel my heart break, BUT ALSO know that I have educated myself on the issues, been careful of how I have voted, and, when I can, donated to worthy organizations.

This is joy and contentment that is beyond the happiness I also crave.

What does all this have to do with ritual and ceremony? Rituals and ceremonies – the more official types and the ones we create for ourselves - can enhance the wonderful things that happen. They can heighten joy and contentment. And they can bring comfort to the lowest of days.

A lovingly crafted eulogy helps all remember the stories and qualities of a loved one who has passed. A moment of prayer or reflection makes the start of a trip something sacred. Lighting birthday candles illuminates the lessons of year before as well as the hopes for the year ahead.

So much of our time is joy and pain braided together. The way we mark and celebrate them can become like golden frames that hold works of art. Life is our most precious work of art. We can all learn from the words of Thich Nhat Hanh, the Buddhist monk and peace activist who died this past January.

“Don’t throw away your suffering. Touch your suffering. Face it directly, and your joy will become deeper. You know that suffering and joy are both impermanent. Learn the art of cultivating joy. Practice like this, and you come to the third turning of the Third Noble Truth, the “Realization” that suffering and happiness are not two. When you reach this stage, your joy is no longer fragile. It is true joy.”

I am still not sure if Anthony Bridgerton finds happiness in Season Two. He has certainly suffered.  But I hope he ultimately chooses joy and contentment.

Remember to create, celebrate, and gather.

(I hope what I write here on Celebrationism.net is helpful. But I know that it cannot replace actual therapy. If you are dealing with serious emotional challenges, please seek out a mental health professional.)

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