Conversations Matter
So last week I wrote that words matter and talked about mantras and prayers that we recite alone, to ourselves. But, of course, conversations, which need at least two people, also really matter.
"When we're brave enough to risk a conversation, we have the chance to rediscover what it means to be human. In conversation, we practice good human behaviors. We think, we laugh, we cry, we tell stories of our day. We become visible to one another. We gain insights and new understandings." - Author Margaret Wheatly
Two conversational rituals come to mind that I’m currently using and that bring me so much joy and comfort.
First, I have a monthly Zoom visit with my college friend Joanne. I have very mixed feelings about Zoom. It’s a great tool for work and for meeting distant clients. But always I prefer conversations in the same physical space. I love hugging people hello and goodbye. But Joanne lives in Hawaii.
We have a friendship built over more than three decades, spanning education, careers, births, and deaths. Suffice it to say, we know each other really well. When we talk, we catch each other up on what's going on with our families. We talk about our hobbies, what we are reading and how our pets are doing. None of that sounds Earth-shattering but I notice that after I click “leave the meeting” and I'm back in South Jersey not in Zoom-land, I feel a rush of love and connection. All of this from a simple conversation.
Very different is the daily hygge card's Carl and I discuss. If you don't know what hygge is, it's a Danish word for a quality of coziness and contentment. It's been a hot concept for the past few years on social media. A company has created a deck of cards called the Hygge Game. On each card are questions. “What is the most delicious meal you’ve ever eaten?” “What smell reminds you the most of your childhood?”
Almost every day we pick a card and answer some questions - sometimes leading to very funny or touching conversations. Happily, we both think we are in the best decade of our lives and that the kitchen is the most important room in our house. The question, what is the best song ever written, led to an hours-long conversation. I settled on Stevie Wonder’s Sir Duke. Carl said he was only considering the last twenty years and chose Coldplay’s Clocks. Nothing momentous, but again, a very real way to connect.
Whether planned or not, meaningful conversation – the kind that gets beyond casual hello’s and chat about the weather – is actually good for our mental health.
Neuroscience has discovered that conversation triggers changes in our brains for better or worse, depending on the type of talk we engage in. Positive, trust-enhancing conversations stimulate the release of oxytocin and other hormones that we connect with love and connection. This leads to being better able to think strategically, empathize, and anticipate the future. It even helps protect the heart against stress. Stressful conversations, on the other hand, shut all that down. They stimulate cortisol which makes us more reactive and sensitive. Under its sway, we see things as more negative than they actually are.
“In the best conversations, you don't even remember what you talked about, only how it felt. It felt like we were in some place your body can't visit, some place with no ceiling and no walls and no floor and no instruments” John Green
I have had this experience many times. In my memory I can see the faces of Carl, or Joanne, or a myriad of other beloved people. I can hear the sound of their voices. I can feel that can feel that delightful sensation of being embraced by their words. But, absolutely, the actual words and other details of where we were, are much harder to recall. And that’s OK because, in the end, the love and connection is what matters.
I would love to hear about your best conversations.